Church and neurodivergent families - Part 2

Christians are united in Christ, not in sameness. The uniqueness of each person is part of God’s gift to the church as we all contribute to and benefit from the gift of Christian community.

This is part 2 of a 2-part series about church. In the first article (here), we considered some of the many factors that can make church difficult for many neurodivergent people. We heard from some adults and families about their experiences of church, and we thought through the picture of Christian unity in the Bible: we are unified in Christ, not in sameness.

Today, we’ll delve into the biblical picture of church and the profound blessings that can result when churches reflect God-made diversity. We’ll also consider what we can do to help our neurodivergent families be part of church and some things we might need from our churches to support us.

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The church has many parts

The biblical picture of church is of redeemed sinners made to truly belong because of the saving work of Christ. God has given us a beautiful illustration of how his church functions with all the difference it embodies. In 1 Corinthians 12:12-20, the writer, Paul, likens God’s church to a body:

¹² “Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.¹⁶ And if the ear should say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,’ it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body.”

God has gathered people who are different: they have different gifts, roles, strengths, and weaknesses, and are united in one Spirit. Each part is valuable, each part belongs, and each part has a role to play. I love that God through Paul says, “And if the ear should say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,’ it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.” Do you or members of your family operate so differently to others that you feel you are not part of the body? Well, you are part of it. In fact, you are indispensable: “If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be?”

Difference is a blessing. You are needed: each person has a role to play, God has gifted us to each other. We want our children to know this too.

If we were all the same…

I asked AI to give me a picture of an orchestra to demonstrate the intricate beauty of diversity: many different instruments playing their part in one magnificent piece of music. Hilariously, this is what AI gave me:

Not the image I was expecting AI to create!

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What’s wrong with this image of an orchestra? They’re all holding the same instrument! What a shame! The orchestra would be so much richer with variety. Brilliantly, if you look closely at this image, some people are not even playing their instrument, they’re so contorted and twisted in effort to look like the others that they’ve become unable to contribute at all. Church is richer with variety as an orchestra is richer with many types of instruments. And no one should have to contort to operate like someone else, as some of these players have had to do, this would rob the church of the variety that God has given it.

Let’s not undervalue things that seem less impressive, instead we need to understand God’s value system. The passage above goes on to say in verses 21-22:

^21 “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!’ ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable”

We aren't asked to be the same as each other, our difference is part of what makes us a gift to the church. Don’t under value others…or your family!

Of course, while embracing and cherishing difference, we all still have changes we need to make in our lives to be more like Jesus – we are sinners welcomed into the body: we all have lots to change! However, let’s not get confused about what needs to change: our hearts need to change, not whether we operate like others in the church. 1 Samuel 16:7b says “People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

How can we work together?

In the last article we considered some of the ways church services can be difficult for many neurodivergent people. In the passage from 1 Corinthians above, we remember that even still, we are part of the body of Christ.

Congregations with a culture of listening while flexibly responding to the needs of the members, are congregations that reflect the value of unity and diversity in God’s church. This involves an understanding that people will differ in what they need at church, how they engage, what attendance looks like, what serving looks like, and more.

1. What can we do?

There are things we can do for our own families to help, and things we need the church to do to help. Let’s start with what we can do.

Our language and attitudes are picked up easily by our children. We may know that we are deeply valued parts of the body of Christ and that as such we can serve and be served for mutual blessing and the glory of God. Yet if we don’t let this attitude soak our speech, how will our children know? Do we celebrate Christian community or do our words and attitudes communicate that it’s a chore?

Express to your children that you understand there of aspects of church that are hard for them – they will love to feel understood. Perhaps go back to the worksheet in my article on sensory sensitivities here and rewrite the worksheet for church, working through the senses. This will help them know that you understand what they are experiencing.

Help them to manage their environment and their experience of it – bring tools to reduce the sensory experience and to focus their active minds,^[2] and employ movement skills to release pent-up jitters (such as bouncing the legs, rubbing the hands together, spinning at the back of church, etc). If they use communication tools at school or home, use them at church as well. Go to the playground before church or do something to get some wriggles out. If church brings anxiety, exercise and fresh air is a great way to relax before arriving.

Tell your children things they are doing that make you proud. Let’s encourage them!

Be ready to offer helpful responses to enable people around you to understand why your child operates differently. So, if someone asks why your child spins in circles at the back, you’re ready to explain, “she feels the world differently to most other children, spinning helps her deal with the anxiety, we’re so proud that she knows exactly when it would be helpful for her.” Or someone asks why your child wears earmuffs, you can explain, “he feels a lot of pain from loud noises, he’s so clever for using these earmuffs, it reduces the pain while still letting him hear some sounds.”

Be curious about what encouraged your children in Sunday School and you share what encouraged you. The drive/ride/walk home is a great time to reflect together.

We used to ride our bikes to and from church during some of the 9 years we lived in France. It was a lovely time of unwinding and chatting together.

2. What can the church do?

I asked neurodivergent children, neurodivergent adults, and families with neurodivergent members, what would help them at church. Each had their own particular needs, but at the heart of all the feedback was one thing – these families want to be heard, believed, and loved, and they know from there will come the unique support they need.

One mother tells me, “Just being able to be us and not feel judged or like a burden [is] lovely.”

Another mother says, “Compassion and trying to understand go a long way. As does being believed - believed that we are trying our best, believed that our child can't help it and it's not just a case of ‘bad parenting’ or ‘naughty child.’”

Another mother explains what has helped her family, “We have some lovely older people in our church who just regularly tell us we’re doing a good job and that’s really kind of them as I never feel like I’m doing a good job at all.” She also says, “Our kids’ leaders … have been open to hearing about our kids and have been super accommodating so they’re a blessing.”

The people I have spoken to also had practical suggestions for what would help them or their families, these included:

·      streaming the service for when they can’t attend in person

·      a quiet space for regulating during the service and in Sunday School

·      a visual outline of the church service

·      a visual outline of the Sunday School program

·      a space to move during the service

·      a buddy leader to stick with the child for the whole service

·      an extra helper in Sunday School

·      support after church while the parents chat

·      understanding when they need to leave suddenly or can’t attend something

·      replacement of florescent lights with LED lights (because of the sound and brightness of florescent lights)

·      a separate entrance at the start of church to avoid eye contact on the way in

·      adjustment of the speaker system to eliminate high pitched sounds

·      earmuffs for loan at the entrance to normalise their usage

·      a basket of fidget tools for loan at the entrance

·      cushions for loan at the entrance

·      a carpeted area in the main service

·      pictures online of the spaces for mental preparation and to ensure “runners” will be secure

·      a meeting/some meetings with the children’s program leaders to discuss needs

What would you add to this list? Please comment below!

Whatever is done, it should be flexible according to the unique and changing needs of the individual, with open communication with them.

It’s a beautiful thing when Christ’s love is shown as we serve each other with all that God has given each unique person, presenting and demonstrating the gospel to those at church and beyond. This precious community extends beyond Sundays and into life, just as our relationship with Jesus does. It’s helpful when people in church leadership create awareness in the church and become champions for those who operate differently, explicitly guiding the congregation to value being an orchestra of many instruments, a body of many parts, for benefit of the church and for the glory of God.

—> Please consider sharing this with someone who would benefit.

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FOOTNOTES

^[1] I gave some suggestions on tools that might be useful in the footnote of the previous article: For adults and children alike, I’d like to highly recommend “Loops” earplugs (no, I’m sadly not being sponsored by them!). Blocking sound can make a huge difference. These can even be coupled with earmuffs for greater protection. Sunglasses or tinted glasses can also be helpful. Chew necklaces (with silicone, food-grade beads or charms), bottles with straws (sucking can be regulating), fidget tools, and soft modelling clay can be useful products for calming, regulating effects. It’s a great opportunity for our children to learn that they can have some control over their experience of their environment and to see how sometimes this this can save a spoon or two of energy (see my article, A Spoonful of Energy, in the archives or here).