The most important aspect of godly parenting
For parents of neurodivergent children, it’s easy to forget what is important in parenting… actually, this is true for all parents!
What’s the most important aspect of godly parenting? I wonder how you would answer that.
As Christians, it’s perhaps natural to assume that godly parenting is all about ensuring our children are Christians who bring glory to God. This is certainly my hope for my children, but is it my role to ensure this? If we believe it’s our responsibility to change our children’s hearts, their achievements or shortcomings become our main focus and the primary way we measure our success as parents.
I am saved by Jesus Christ, but are my children saved or lost by my parenting? Surely, they are also only saved by Jesus Christ.
Perhaps the heart of godly parenting lies in first remembering our own relationship with God.
YOU are God’s precious child, as Psalm 139:13 reminds us,
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
YOU are justified by faith, and YOU have peace with God, Romans 5:1 says,
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ”
YOU are called to
“Walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." (Col 1:10)
As parents, we are first God’s children, loved, saved sinners, and called to live in a way that reflects his love for his glory. As we focus on our identity in Christ, living and modelling his work in us, we’re also better equipped to guide our children in him, entrusting them to him who can change hearts.
How wonderful that our identity is secure in Christ, no matter our own or our children’s achievements, shortcomings, or struggles. And what a relief to know that our children’s salvation doesn’t require us to be perfect parents – Jesus Christ is their saviour, just as he is ours.
What are you working on?
So, with our hearts and hopes in the right place, I’m sure we all have things we need to work on. We recognise that we aren’t perfect and that we should start with ourselves.
So, I asked this question of some Christian parents of neurodivergent children:
What are some things you’re working on in your own life that will help you as a parent?
The answers they gave are so varied, encouraging, and thought-provoking that I decided to let their words fill this article. These quotes are not here to add to your burden but to encourage you that the things you need to work on are things many of us are working on too.
In response to the question, Thelia shares her list:
“Going to God first and often
Trusting God with my daughter – the lesson in trusting Him with her never ends….even now when she is almost 18. I am trying to step back and allow her to make choices, even when I can see these may be mistakes that she will experience negative consequences for.
Being intentional as a wife - Considering how I can serve and love my husband (easy to completely forget and neglect when loving and caring for my daughter seems to occupy my time, and mind and energy)
Looking after my own health.”
Anna* says,
“I get angry easily. I need God to give me much more patience than I have. I know my anger is because I feel out of control and ill-equipped to deal with being a parent. I often feel like I am failing.
For me, I also cope by trying to study and learn about things. I read widely and think deeply.”
June* says,
“Creating quiet times when I can focus on reading God’s word and journalling. Speaking up when I need help – especially to my husband when I need a break from the children (and not feeling guilty about taking a morning off). Reading more to understand autism and neurodivergence.”
Aaron* tells me,
“My wife and I both want to work on our health and increase the amount of exercise we do. However, it’s an incredible challenge to find the time and energy to do so. Especially because we find it hard to leave one of us with all the children as it’s an incredible burden to look after them by ourselves.”
Rebecca* tells me,
“We try to be kind to ourselves - have a sense of humour about things, support each other, give each other time out if needed… Trying to go to bed at a good time and get enough sleep! Trying to keep time in God's word and prayer a priority as we can't do any of it without him.”
Claudia* tells me,
“Other than ensuring spiritual disciplines; I am working on ensuring I have outlets outside of caring for my children. Co-regulating them all day can be exhausting and all-consuming so I'm finding pockets in my week when I can do other things.”
Claire* says,
“Learning and growing as a Christian in all my roles.
Maintaining my own mental health and emotional wellness.
Working on our marriage and our own relationship together.
Learning to rest well and manage my own emotional and sensory regulation in order to serve God, my family and others as best I can.
Trying to keep a professional role outside of my household. In some ways this is more work, however, when done in balance, it keeps me better regulated overall and more useful.
Keeping on top of ND/ASD/ADHD information, and cultural trends -and comparing this to biblical truth.
Seeing ND from a biblical perspective.
Practicing gratitude daily, and giving thanks in all circumstances.
Prayer and my own regular time with the Lord.”
Jessica* tells me,
“I’m learning everything I can about neurodivergence and specifically, at the moment, PDA. I’m trying to look after my physical and mental health a bit better. I’m reducing demands/commitments for us as a family (and trying not to be worried about what people might think)”
Leah* responded to the question by saying,
“Oh man. This is a BIG one for me… I have begun to face into childhood trauma and processed so many emotions and experiences. In the process, I have been learning how brains can still develop and change and that it is possible to grow. I’ve been practicing the exact theory and skills that the therapists want us to walk our children through and in doing so, I feel so much better equipped to show them the way. It is incredibly hard doing big work whilst parenting struggling kids but I am so glad the Lord is helping me do it!”
Mary* says,
“I see my own psychologist when I need to. I’m trying to write out my prayers in a journal more and read my Bible consistently.”
What are you working on?
I hope these quotes encourage you that none of us have got everything together, we all have things we’re working on.
As parents of children with additional needs, we are often acutely aware of the many things we are not doing. We have limited time, limited energy, limited capacity for reflection. The best thing I can do for my children is to follow Jesus in all that I do, and to keep God’s glory and honour as the goal.
As you reflect and work and struggle, remember that you are not saved by what you do, and your children are not saved by what you do: we can only be saved by what Jesus has done. Cling to him, walk with him, model this to your children, and entrust them to him, the best father of all.
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You might like to read this article next: Parents of neurodivergent children need support too
*Names have been changed