Why does my child react so strongly to perceived failures or rejection?
Helping neurodivergent children navigate Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
Does your child ever finish the day deeply hurt from something someone said?
Have you ever seen your child fall apart over what seemed like a small correction?
Does your child dwell for hours or even days on a moment of exclusion?
Does your child ruminate on the day?
Why does this hurt them so deeply?
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Many neurodivergent children experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This means they may have intense emotional reactions to perceived criticism, failure, or exclusion.[1] These aren’t just fleeting feelings, they can be overwhelming and all-consuming.
Beth,* a woman with AuDHD, tells me,
‘My debilitating sensitivity to criticism has caused me a lot of pain in ministry. The hurt I experience when someone criticises me will eat away at me for months, or even years.’
RSD can trigger crushing emotions including profound sadness, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, fear, and a deep sense of hopelessness. It can impact a person’s motivation to exercise, their appetite and eating habits, their confidence, schoolwork, friendships, and even their hopes for the future. While it’s especially common in those with ADHD and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), it can show up in other neurodivergent profiles too.[2] These reactions are deeply tied to how a person’s brain is wired—and how they’ve learned to expect rejection.
What is happening in the brain?
Many neurodivergent people go through life with a strong sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem.[3] Over time, this can shape how they understand themselves, and they can begin to expect failure or criticism, even where none exists.
This anxious expectation feeds RSD. In turn, the emotional intensity of RSD can then disrupt focus, executive function, and emotional regulation.[4] That might lead to behaviours (such as outbursts, shutdowns, or being distracted) that others respond to negatively, which then reinforces the child’s fear of rejection. It can be a painful cycle.
But this loop can be gently interrupted. Parents and caregivers can provide emotional safety, clear support, and gospel hope.
How can we support a child with RSD?
Below are some places to begin in supporting our children with RSD. What would you add? Please comment below, let’s share ideas!
1. Use gentle, supportive language
The words we use matter, especially when a child is already vulnerable. Reframe instructions and feedback so they feel safe, not shamed, understood, not criticised.
Instead of: ‘Why didn’t you finish packing up?’
Try: ‘I noticed you stopped packing up, can I help you figure out the next step?’
Instead of: ‘You’re not focusing at all!’
Try: ‘It’s hard to concentrate sometimes. What might help right now?’
When a child is overwhelmed, avoid dismissing their feelings.
Instead of: ‘You’re overreacting, it’s no big deal.’
Try: ‘You’re feeling really upset, it’s ok to be upset. I love you. Would you like to talk about it?’
Using this type of supportive language tells the child that you can see their anguish, that their feelings matter, that they aren’t alone, that they are deeply loved.
Praise and recognition can also be a really important way to care for those with RSD. People with RSD often also experience an enormous boost from being told they’re on the right track and doing well. ADHDer and researcher, Dr Hallowell, describes this as Recognition Responsive Euphoria.[5] Look for genuine moments to praise your child, helping them feel positive about themselves and their efforts. You might also remind them of past successes and ask how those achievements made them feel. This practice can recalibrate their self-messaging and fuel more constructive self-talk.
2. Help them find calm
In moments of high emotion, start with prayer. Remind your child that God knows their pain and he promises to be near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18)—we’ll dive into these truths at the end.
Then, help them calm their body with techniques and tools they enjoy. For example:
Deep breathing
Holding something comforting (weighted toys, something with soft textures)
The 5-4-3-2-1 technique: name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This shifts the focus from their internal storm to the external world.
What would your child add to this list?
These techniques don't erase emotion; they can bring down the intensity and help make emotional space for reflection and reframing.
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3. Practice positive self-talk
When your child feels criticised or left out, teach them to challenge those thoughts with truth.
Imagine ‘scrunching up’ the unkind thoughts and throwing them away, don’t let your brain wallow in them, cut the thought short.
Offer replacement thoughts:
‘Everyone makes mistakes.’
‘I’m still learning, and that’s ok.’
‘I’m doing my best.’‘God loves me so much.’
If it’s too hard to discuss these things with your child in the moment, return to the topic later when their emotions are calmer.
Each day, you can build positive self-talk by asking gentle reflective questions like:
‘What’s something you did well today?’
‘Did you make anyone smile today?’
4. Model self-compassion
Children learn how to treat themselves by watching how we treat ourselves. This is something I always need to be conscious of because otherwise I naturally slip into self-deprecation in unhelpful ways.
Instead of: ‘I always forget my phone!’
Try: ‘I forgot my phone, and that’s frustrating, but I’ll try to remember to put it by the door next time.’
Let them hear you show yourself understanding, for your sake and for theirs!
5. Speak Gospel Truth
In moments of shame or rejection, the gospel is water to parched lips. It is a message of love, belonging, and security. The gospel can answer every negative thought beautifully, it offers:
Amazing love: God calls us by name, we are precious to him, he loves us (Isaiah 43:1–4). This love is so great it is ‘as high as the heavens are above the earth’ and stretches ‘from everlasting to everlasting’ (Ps 103:11, 17).
True belonging: We are part of the body of Christ. We are each important, each valuable, each has a role, and each is equally part of the whole (1 Cor 12:12-27).
A place of honour: ‘God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus’ (Eph 2:6).
Real help and care: We are invited to ‘Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:7). He listens and acts: ‘The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles’ (Psalm 34:17).
Consider having verses like these around the house so these verses can seep into your child’s understanding of themselves and God. What better way to be supported in RSD than to turn to our God!
Sally*, a 10-year-old AuDHDer, is learning this too:
‘Dad always tells me to cast my worries on God. The other day I prayed to God and cast my worries on him. I prayed that I wouldn’t be sad in the morning—and when I woke up, I wasn’t worried.’
Praise God! He is kind and dependable.
Beth*, who we heard from earlier, has a wonderful take on her big emotions:
‘My natural inclination toward big feelings means that I have a deep love for Jesus and a constant drive for kingdom growth. You can’t be in ministry long without passion—and I have lots of it!’
Pray that God would ease your child’s pain.
Pray that he would shape their sensitivity into compassion and passion for others. Pray that he would use their big emotions for his glory. And trust that God is at work in their lives through all the good times and the hard times.
FOOTNOTES
*Names have been changed
[1] Oroian, B. A., Costandache, G., Nechita, P., & Szalontay, A. (2024). The impact of rejection sensitive dysphoria in individuals with ADHD. Neuroscience Applied, 3, 104334
[2]Attwood T, Garnett M, Understanding Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: Exploring its Nexus with ADHD and PDA, Attwood and Garnett Events, May 2024, https://www.attwoodandgarnettevents.com/blogs/news/understanding-rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria-exploring-its-nexus-with-adhd-and-pda?_pos=1&_sid=daa61bd5c&_ss=r
[3] Harpin, V., Mazzone, L., Raynaud, J. P., Kahle, J., & Hodgkins, P. (2016), Long-Term Outcomes of ADHD: A Systematic Review of Self-Esteem and Social Function. Journal of Attention Disorders, 20(4), 295–305.
[4] Oroian, B. A., Costandache, G., Nechita, P., & Szalontay, A. (2024). The Impact of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Individuals with ADHD. Neuroscience Applied, 3, 104334.
[5] Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2023). ADHD 2.0 : New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction - From Childhood Through Adulthood. Sheldon Press. For a brief look at this idea, see: Hallowell E, Recognition Responsive Euphoria, or RRE, The Hallowell ADHD Centers, https://drhallowell.com/2019/06/11/recognition-responsive-euphoria-or-rre/
I really love how you brought the gospel truth into this! My biggest temptation is to tell my ADHDer that he’s overreacting when he thinks that I’m speaking harshly when I’m definitely not! 😂 But you are so right, it is much better to validate his feelings and go from there. The ironic thing is that I have experienced rejection sensitivity most of my life as well, so I should definitely know how to handle it better. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you! So practical and eye opening!