Neurodivergent masking

Do you mask? Does your child mask? Has a person at church requested supports, but some feel they’re exaggerating the need? Does your neurodivergent friend seem to operate just like everyone else?

Jun 05, 2024

Caleb wipes the last of the morning tears from his cheeks, his red, swollen eyes the only sign of the morning’s hours of distress. Mask on, he walks to class. The mask shows a boy ready to smile, he’s smart, obedient, and kind. The mask is him, but there’s so much more that’s unseen: his heart races and tummy churns from the morning’s anxiety over school, his ears buzz from the school bell, he dreads the thought of the impending group-time in class, he wants to tell everyone about his favourite train, he wants to flap and spin. But that’s all hidden behind the mask.

I often hear from parents that their children operate differently at home compared to when they’re out of the house. This is often called masking or camouflaging. It involves hiding needs, preferences, and difficulties, while imitating those around them or projecting an idealised version of themselves.

In this article, we’ll explore the benefits and risks of masking and consider how we can support our neurodivergent loved ones as they navigate the world. We’ll hear from neurodivergent people about their experiences of masking and turn to the Bible for hope, encouragement, and guidance.

What is masking?

I asked Luke*, an ADHDer in ministry, about masking. His insights are enlightening:

What are some things you mask?
·      I change the way I dress …I don’t want to stand out or for anyone to notice me as different
·      I don’t share when something is overwhelming or uncomfortable, especially if everyone else around me seems fine with it
·      I try and project an idea that I’m always in control and that nothing can phase me, with a tendency to say yes to people, even if I don’t have the capacity or energy to do it.
·      I’m super conscious when it comes to talking about my special interests, fearing that people will get overwhelmed by how deep the rabbit hole can go…
Do you feel you choose to mask, are forced to mask, or is it a combination of both?
Some things I choose to mask as I don’t want people to see me as alien or different, which comes from growing up knowing I was different and being treated that way
When you mask, do you feel it is still part of who you are, or does it feel fake or something else?
Definitely an element of fake, or at least a partial true me. I’m too scared to give anyone 100% me, if I even know what that looks like.

Do you see some of these things in yourself or in your children? How would you or your children answer these questions? If your child can reflect on these questions, discussing them together could be beneficial.

Why mask?

Masking has its functions, as Luke shows. It can come from a place of love: he considers the comfort of others, he doesn’t want to ask for changes that others don’t also need, he desires to serve beyond his capacity, and aims to converse in ways that suit others. Masking can also serve to protect a part of the person that they don’t want to share, or to allow them to project something they want to be in that situation.

However, masking can be an attempt to hide real difficulties or differences because of fear, as Luke also says. They may fear that their relaxed selves would not be accepted^[1]and so they feel they need to conceal their true selves.

I asked Sally*, an 11 year old autistic girl, if and when she masks, and she told me,

“I hide my feelings and wait until I get home to tell my parents how I feel…When my friend is angry with me, I am too scared to ask why.”

Sally uses masking to go unnoticed, hiding her true feelings and acting as if those emotions aren’t there. But…

There are risks

Sally continues,

“I don’t have any friends I can talk to, so I keep it to myself… I go home and break down. I feel really sad.”

Sally has made a helpful observation: masking can be very tiring. Luke (quoted above) also notes:

“It’s a lot of pressure to keep it up. It takes up a lot of energy and I feel like if I slip it will affect relationships and my work.”

Masking can lead to deep mental and physical exhaustion^[2] Research suggests that masking to hide one’s true self is associated with long-term mental health challenges and a deep sense of loneliness from not being known.^[3]

Also, if someone relies on masking but cannot maintain the mask in certain situations, it can lead to social, emotional, and psychological harm, and they can end up hating or rejecting the social or gender conventions they can’t adhere to. This can drive them to rebellious thoughts and actions.^[4]

Masking can also lead to late or missed diagnosis as the underlying difficulties may go unrecognised.^[5] The number of adult diagnoses is increasing as people reflect on their childhoods and see now what had then been missed.

It can also mean the stress triggers for a person are missed or not believed, and so useful support and accommodations are not provided. Many parents tell me that schools and churches are sceptical about their child’s needs for accommodations because they only see the mask. A mother of two autistic children tells me,

“Our children mask a great deal… Just because someone appears to be coping, doesn't mean they are.”

All of these can lead to meltdown, shutdown (more on these in my three articles here), or exhaustion (more on this in my article here). A mother of an autistic daughter says her daughter

“masks very well…[but] she pays a big price for playing the social game. When I pick her up from school or a social event she often becomes violent and is very difficult to live with. We have to lock the doors in the car when we drive home because we are worried she will throw herself out of the car in her rage.”

Being neuro-affirming (being positive about brain types)

Research in the last few years has come a long way in understanding the effects of masking on a person, and how a person’s desire to mask is impacted by internal and external views of neurodivergence. It seems masking itself is not the problem, in fact, masking is masking the issue.

Research suggests that negative views of neurodivergence make people want to mask^[6] while positive views reduce the need to mask as much of themselves and significantly improve mental health, particularly depression and stress.^[7]Society, schools, and churches need to make accommodations that communicate that difference is valued, lessening the need to mask and fostering a growing positive community perception of neurodivergence and a positive self-perception.

Finding neuro-affirming friends can also boost self-perception. A recent study concluded that

“young people who had higher autism satisfaction had better psychological well-being and lower social anxiety. Young people who felt more solidarity with other autistic people had higher psychological well-being”^[8]

It's beneficial to have some friends they can relax around, who accept them as they are. This can also help them discover who they are behind the mask, feeling free to ask, “What do I like?” and “How can I contribute and serve with the gifts God has given me?” rather than “What do my friends think I should like?”

It’s important that affirmation comes from the family too. As Christians, we can be especially neuro-affirming, knowing we are each hand-made by God (Psalm 139:13-14), equally inherently valuable (Gen 1:27), that God gives difference as a gift to the church (1 Cor 12:12-24), and that God loves us (John 3:16). We don’t need to stop a person from masking—we all mask sometimes, it can serve useful functions. We can encourage neuro-positivity as we trust God’s good purpose for their lives (Rom 8:28).

💫 For more about neuro-affirmation, what it is, what it is NOT (it is often misused to mean affirmation of everything), and the biblical position on it, see the paid bonus here.

Positive reinforcement is key to building a positive self-image. One of my children’s speech therapists encourages giving five compliments on his speech for every correction. This practice helps me appreciate my child’s abilities and to express it vocally. This can spill into all areas with our children: find five positive things to say each time you need to correct them (not at the same moment, but keeping that balance throughout the day).

We see our children with their masks off; we mustn’t only correct and rebuke— we can also tell them what we love about them and thank God for these things! In this way, our children will learn to see these things in themselves too and join us in thanking God for who he made them to be.

The most important thing…

Whether our children are relaxing with their mask off, or guarding their interactions with a carefully constructed mask, they should model everything on Jesus, just as all Christians should. We don’t model ourselves on the world around us, but on Jesus, walking like him and seeking to bring glory to God, as 1 Peter 2 encourages us to do. Verse 9 says,

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

Christians are saved in Christ (v 24) and have the privilege of following his example (v 21), living a changed and righteous life (v 24) that mean people “may see your good deeds and glorify God” (vs 12).

As I’ve said before: let’s not model ourselves on the average person, but on the best person: Jesus.

An Extraordinary Normal: Faith, Family, and Neurodivergence

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