Church and neurodivergent families - Part 1

Church is about unity not uniformity. It is in Christ that we are unified, not in sameness. Neurodiversity – all diversity – belongs in church. But it can be tough for some to be there.

Church can be a difficult environment for some neurodivergent people. They often process or interact with the world differently to the typical way and this is often not accommodated for or understood.

In the previous article, we looked at the importance of support for parents of neurodivergent children and the richness available when we are offered support from others and have opportunities to offer support to others. This relationship of mutual support should be accessible for all people in any church. While some families with neurodivergent members have found this in their churches, many have not.

This is a special 2-part series. In the first article, we’ll look at why church can be so hard for many neurodivergent people and how beautiful it can be when we are welcomed to work with the church to remove barriers. In the next article, we’ll consider the Biblical picture of church and the richness on offer for everyone when churches reflect God-made diversity.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

There’s so much to process at church!

Some neurodivergent people navigate church without any problems at all, but some experience great difficulty at church.

Many neurodivergent people have very sensitive senses (see my article in the archives on sensory sensitivity) and are not able to filter out sensory input.

What might sensory bombardment feel like? To get a taste, imagine every sensory input at church is bigger, louder, stronger! Imagine your seat in church has a cushion covered with a hessian sack - itchy, sharp, seemingly perforating your trousers. Your ear is right next to the sound system, noise blaring so loud you feel it deep in your skull and teeth, it hammers your ears competing with the high-pitched ringing it has induced. The fluorescent light between you and the speaker hangs low, bright, and flickering, piercing to your brain. You’re acutely aware of the choking scent of perfume enveloping you, perhaps someone dropped the open bottle on themselves. Although church is never set up like this, it can be similar to the way some people experience the sensory environment at church. Imagine how dysregulating and even painful it would be! Yet many churches don’t make accommodations for sensory sensitivities.^[1]

Some find it hard to focus their attention because of the bombardment of stimuli, and /or they have a brain that fires a million thoughts at them at once. A woman with ADHD tells me “my mind feels a bit like an untrained dog on its first walk. I’m constantly fighting to reel it in, keep it on the path, but it’s chaotically darting from the shopping list to my new business idea to the cute baby chatting up the back.”

Photo by Joe Caione on Unsplash

Some people find it helps counteract the impact of sensory overload or the distraction of a busy mind by rocking, bouncing, bobbing, spinning, fidgeting, climbing on chairs, hiding under chairs. Yet many churches seem so rigid with everyone in one room on identical chairs just sitting still.

Some neurodivergent people don’t read, write, communicate, or move like the majority. Yet many churches don’t make adjustments to include a range of learning, communication and movement styles.

Do you or someone you love experience church this way?

… and so church can be hard

I asked some neurodivergent people and families with neurodivergent members to tell me about how their family experiences church.

A mother tells me that on church days, “We can have meltdowns in our house from 6am”  She says she wishes people knew that “‘normal’ parenting strategies don’t work – we’re not being permissive, it’s just that our children are struggling to do the things other children can do intuitively” She says “We’ve had people get up and move away from our family in church because they were off put by our kids not being able to sit still and quietly.” She says she’s been told: “You just need to have higher expectations of him” and “He just needs to learn to behave himself”

Another mother says, “[our daughter] pays a big price for playing the social game… Kids’ Church is particularly difficult. Like most Kids’ Churches it is under-resourced and chaotic. This is not an ideal environment for her. I feel like we put a lot of pressure on her to cope with chaos and I wonder if she will resent church when she grows up.”

Another mother tells me, “When the kids indicated they had to get out of a place I knew that we had to get out of there. [My children] would need to go and I’d see panic rising... A friend said ‘if they aren’t screaming, they’re fine’… A minister told us ‘you need to learn to ignore them’ and he pointed out other families in the church who didn’t have a problem. I felt like no one understood that it wasn’t that simple.”

One mother tells me that her children needed to move a lot to cope with the stimulation of church, but it wasn’t welcomed at all. “[Church was] very, very hard… We left our church a few years ago and just haven’t been confident to find a new one.”

Another mother says, “I wish that church members and leaders would know how difficult it is for neurodivergent kids to attend church and kids’ ministry, and therefore the family too.”

When we gather together, we should all look different – God created diversity. In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul explains that we all work together with our differences being a blessing to each other as we are unified in Christ (more on this in the next article). In Ephesians 4:4-6, Paul says, “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” Notice unity does not come from sameness of body or brain or any other human thing, but from God. I pray for a time when churches are all better at being places where all people can feel at home.

…yet it can also be wonderful

When churches are curious and ask questions, adapt environments, and creatively find practical supports based on understanding, many of the difficulties for neurodivergent people can be alleviated and they can serve and be served, extending love to one another. Does this come first or is the first step that the parents explain the situation? Or is the first step that everyone is asked what they need (though sometimes this is hard to know ourselves!), knowing that many people have needs that aren’t naturally met in a one-size-fits-all church? When communication avenues are open, when difference is expected and cherished, everyone will feel more supported.

A dad tells me, “As we've communicated the needs of our children, we love when people at church believe us and accept the differences. I had a conversation with the a youth leader at church who talked through all the ways they might be able to make Friday night Youth Group more accessible for our daughter. In the end, this isn't the right timing yet for her to be there, and the leader accepted that and didn’t push us to force our daughter, she is still included in youth ministry, it’s just her involvement looks different. It made me feel really understood, believed, and loved.”

One mother says that they have received “LOTS of positive comments, genuine love and support from many Christians and non-Christians – but I sense this has been partly due to my openness and journey toward acceptance of neurodiversity in our family – being vulnerable and transparent with others about our family journey” she explains “We are committed to church – as such, we feel that we always find a way to fellowship and worship, and we always seek God’s help and the support of others.”

Don’t give up meeting together

Whether your experience of church is hard or wonderful or something in between, the Bible encourages us not to give up meeting together and to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25). If you’re in a season where weekly church is hard, get creative, if you can. I know one family who watches church online for the weeks when they simply can’t attend. I know another family who tag-teams for church: one parent goes one week and the other goes the next week, allowing a parent to always be home with the children who have complex needs which, for now, mean they need a break from church. I know a family who attends the early morning Sunday service with predominantly quiet, elderly people: the slower, quieter environment works well for their tweenager. Don’t give up, pray and ask a friend to support you as you press on.

The next article will continue thinking about church as we consider the Biblical picture of church and more! Read here!

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FOOTNOTES

^[1] Accommodations at church certainly need to be made, and the person might also like to take some control of the sensory environment with some useful products. For adults and children alike, I’d like to highly recommend “Loops” earplugs (no, I’m sadly not being sponsored by them!). Blocking sound can make a huge difference. These can even be coupled with earmuffs for greater protection. Sunglasses or tinted glasses can also be helpful. Chew necklaces (with silicone, food-grade beads or charms), bottles with straws (sucking can be regulating), fidget tools, and soft modelling clay can be useful products for calming, regulating effects. It can help to be ready with a helpful answer in case someone wonders about the sensory tools you or your child/ren are using, education can go a long way sometimes. It’s a great opportunity for our children to learn that they can have some control over their experience of their environment and to see how sometimes this this can save a spoon or two of energy (see my article, A Spoonful of Energy, in the archives).