Part 3. The home reset: small changes, big impact for neurodivergent families
In this series of articles, we’re exploring ways to create a home environment that supports neurodivergent family members.
In Part 1 (found here), we explored how an adapted home can help build capacity to face stressors outside the home. Part 2 (found here) reminded us of an important biblical truth about our finitude and our dependable God. Part 3 will guide you as you assess your home to identify which adjustments might create a more supportive and rejuvenating environment for everyone in your family. Finally, in Part 4, we’ll explore the deep comfort we all need—true comfort from God.
An adapted home helps our neurodivergent children recover from stressors and build strength to face stressors to come, but it isn’t a bubble to protect our children from all the challenges of life. It’s a training ground where children develop self-awareness and coping strategies in a supportive environment. It’s not a ticket to laziness, it’s a prescription to work to actively rest well to recover from past stressors, and to increase capacity for managing future stressors. We explored this in Part 1 here.
In this article, we’ll look at a framework to help you consider how to adapt your home, then we’ll look at some useful tools to have in the home to help your child regulate in effective and fun ways.
1. The Stress-Detective’s Guide to a Calmer Home
To adjust the home to help your child calm down and rejuvenate, you’ll need to team up with them to become stress-detectives.
Begin by assessing an activity your child finds stressful. Sometimes difficult activities can have multiple factors that cause hurdles, and sometimes it is, in fact, just one component that’s causing the stress to mount. You may like to read my free articles on sensory sensitivities here, the impact of energy deletion here, and exhaustion here.
As a team, work with your child through this framework. As they open up, believe their responses, be curious, and ask questions.
🔎 What happens before the activity?
Do they have enough energy left over for the next activity?
Did a visual schedule show that this activity was coming?
Did a timer let them know it was about to begin? (I recommend visual timers, like the Time Timer.)
Are there relational or emotional challenges every time this starts?
🔎 What happens during the activity?
Is the sensory environment relaxing or distressing?
Are your expectations of them clear?
Are your expectations of them within their capacity?
Do they understand why this activity happens?
Is choice built in?
Do they have the chance to communicate their concerns (even if it’s the same concerns every time!)?
🔎 What happens after the activity?
Are there sensory impacts after the activity?
Do they know when the activity is due to end?
Do they have the chance to express the difficulty of the activity (and be heard)?
Do they need recovery time afterwards?
Are they dreading the following activity?
An example: bath time
For an example of how to use this framework, let’s look at bath time. I hear from many, many parents and autistic adults and children that washing is difficult, so this might be a useful example.
An autistic teenager tells me, “Baths and showers are really hard, the sensation of having water on your hair is like at the front of your mind the whole time and you can’t think of anything else and in the shower the noise of the water pounds inside your head. A bath is worse, it’s not just your head and back, it’s full body.”
Perhaps, like this teenager, the sensation of washing is the primary source of discomfort for your child. There may be ways to reduce this, but some things are necessary aspects of washing. In that case, adjusting other more flexible factors could give them more strength to face the necessary difficulties. Get your detective hats on!
🔎 What happens before the bath?
If dinner is before bath time, has your child used all their energy on dinner time?
💡 Reducing stress around dinner could help, or try moving bath time to much earlier, when they still have energy.
Do they know exactly when bath time will begin?
💡 A schedule of the afternoon could help, with a visual timer to let them know when bath time will begin.
Are they dreading the inevitable argument around bath time?
💡 Make sure you are relaxed and emotionally stable to reduce the stress around heading to the bath.
🔎 What happens during the bath?
Do they find clothes hard to remove?
💡 This could feel like a huge hurdle for sensory or gross motor reasons.
How’s the sound in the bathroom?
💡 Is the bath running too loud? Could they come when the bath is ready? Would earplugs help with the sound of the bath or the echoes of the bathroom?
💡 Or is the bathroom too quiet? Would they like music or an audiobook playing?
Are the lights too bright?
💡 Switching to a soft lamp could help (battery powered, if needed.)
How are the smells?
💡 Could you use fragrance-free wash? Or switch cleaning products?
💡 Would they relax more with strong smells? Perhaps a wash with a lavender base would be enjoyable.
Do they know your expectations of them?
💡 For example, do they know if they are to wash their body, if they should pack up toys etc. Do they feel like they will have energy for this?
Do they have things they can choose?
💡 Perhaps they can choose the soap, or whether the light is on or off, or which face washer they’ll use, or which toys to have in the bath.
Is it safe for them to tell you that they hate the bath?
💡 Do you let them communicate their feelings or do you get stressed or cross? Let them say what’s on their mind, work with them to make it easier, where possible, but this doesn’t mean you must fix everything. Hear their words, offer love and safety, and calmly assure them the bath will be over soon. Being heard in distressing times is so important.
🔎 What happens after the bath?
Does the bath always end suddenly?
💡 You could use a visual timer to indicate when it will end.
Do they get too cold while drying?
💡 Perhaps they could dry in their room, perhaps they could curl under a towel for 5 minutes to warm up before dressing, perhaps their towel could sit with a hot water bottle while they’re in the bath.
Is the towel too rough for their skin?
💡 They might avoid the whole bath time because this is so unpleasant!
Are they allowed to have some wind-down time to recover?
💡 Could they engage in their special interest for a time after the bath to let the anxiety calm down? Could they use some regulation tools to calm down (scroll down for ideas!).
Over to you!
Pick an activity to start with and run through the framework with your child. You may identify one or many more things in a particular activity that need adjusting and strategies to try to make it easier.
It may take time to see an improvement. If there has been a history of tension around a particular activity, it can take time to unlearn the anxiety reflex.
Be flexible
Be bold, there may be things that other families do that just aren’t reasonable for your family in this stage of life.
Ask yourself: can I be flexible around this issue?
There may be things that require significant flexibility from you. Being flexible doesn’t mean throwing your goals away. It means identifying what you value and being prepared to be creative about how you achieve that goal, according to needs, not according to traditional methods or assumed ways of doing things.
Take dinner time for example. Traditionally, Christian families sit altogether around the dining table each night, and enjoy chatting, praying and reading the Bible together.
Could the heart of these goals be achieved in flexible ways?
o One family told me they don’t eat dinner at the table together because a parent suffers misophonia.[1] Instead, they have dedicated family time in other ways, at other times.
o One child had multiple sensory difficulties when sitting at the table for dinner, so the family now eats dinner on a picnic mat on the floor. Although dinner looks completely different to other families, they find they are still achieving all their deeper goals for family dinner time.
o One family told me they eat dinner at the table but can’t have other goals at that time, so they enjoy family time later, sitting in one of the bedrooms reading the Bible together then.
Let’s keep our true goals as the goals we work towards, not seeking to replicate others, but being prepared to start new family routines, habits, or behaviours that meet our important goals with the needs of each family member in mind.
2. Rest, Reset, Regulate
Consider having regulation tools around your home to help everyone respond to their needs and emotions. These should easily accessible and ideally visible (or on a visual list of regulation options).
If your child has just arrived home or just completed a difficult activity, or they are just about to begin a difficult activity, they could choose a couple of regulating activities that they enjoy.
A 10 year old autistic girl tells me that when she’s exhausted:
“I get really bored and irritable. I just lie on the floor and roll around and do dumb things. I just want to watch screens but they don’t make me feel good.”
She identified some ways to replenish energy for her, saying, “I like to go for a walk or bounce on a yoga ball or use my gymnastic bar. I have a gymnastic room where I have lots of mats to flip on.”
Here are some favourites from families in this Substack community:
🌿 Sensory swings (picture below)—these are popular! They squeeze the person in. It turns out they aren’t too hard to install even if you don’t have an exposed beam in your house. You do need permission from the owner to drill into the ceiling, if you’re renting, though.
🌿 Balance boards (picture below)
🌿 Balance beams
🌿 Blowing bubbles
🌿 Body socks (a full-body stretchy bag with a head hole)
🌿 Weighted blankets
🌿 Iced water (especially through a straw, sucking regulates)
🌿 Sensory canoes
🌿 Indoor gym
🌿 Outdoor gym
🌿 Yoga ball (picture below)
🌿 Soft, faux fur carpet to roll on
🌿 Sensory sand
🌿 Putty or slime
🌿 Play dough
Comment with your favourites below!
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it
Sometimes you’ll try many adjustments before you find one that truly reduces tension.
Sometimes you’ll discover something that helps—until it doesn’t anymore.
Sometimes you’ll be humbled to realise your own stress or exhaustion is the biggest factor in whether an activity feels peaceful.
Sometimes you’ll pause to grieve the things you’ve let go of.
And sometimes you’ll look back, remember how hard something used to be, and marvel that it’s easier now.
Through all the ups, downs, and sideways, bring it all to God—who loves you more than you know.
Philippians 4:6–7
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
In the next article, we’ll explore the deep comfort we need: comfort from God.
Read Part 1 here
Read Part 2 here
Read Part 4 here
I’ve recently decided to turn on the paid subscription option for my substack. My monthly articles will remain free, but if you sign up, there’ll be a bonus post each month (plus you’ll be supporting my work). This month’s bonus is an in-depth look at emotional regulation at home. Thank you for considering it! 💖
FOOTNOTES
[1] Researchers are paying increasing attention to misophonia (when certain sounds trigger intense emotional reactions) in connection with autism. This is an interesting systematic review from this year (yes, peer reviewed). It highlights the complex relationship between misophonia, sensory sensitivities, and autism. Although awareness is increasing, misophonia is still underreported. Aldakhil, A. F., & Shaik, R. A. (2025). Misophonia in autism: A systematic review of prevalence, clinical features, and comorbidities. Research in Developmental Disabilities, 161, 105005-. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ridd.2025.105005
Kate, such practical, down-to-earth, creative suggestions. Thank you.
This is all really helpful.
One thing you don't mention is difficulty with transitions - switching from one thing to the next. So getting my kids in the bath was always hard - and then getting out again was hard. They both found it difficult to stop doing one thing and move to the next, even if it was something they enjoy. We gave lots of prompts/countdowns, allowed them to finish a game/TV show, clear expectations, bought aids to stop water in the face........ it was the transition that was challenging.